About Second Chances
A few days ago, on the first night we finally saw each other again, Mr. BFF and I re-watched The Lake House. Aside from the fact that the story of the movie is absolutely beautiful, it mentions this other story about second chances — about two people who decided to get back to each other’s lives after years of being apart. We noticed the bittersweet coincidence almost immediately: I had this weird eye twitch, he jokingly asked me why I was making that face. Once the movie was over, he held me close and said: “thank you for waiting for me,” to which I replied: “I didn’t wait.”
I never waited. Because waiting meant that I believed we would have a second chance. And I never, ever allowed myself to hope for that. I was never one to really believe in second chances.
I remember at the peak of my “Mr. BFF” heartbreak a few years ago, I took a road trip with my cousins and aunt up the coast of California. I was fucked in the head then and I told my aunt about him. I told her everything. And later on in my life, when I was living in her apartment in Miami just a car ride away from Mr. BFF’s then married ass, I told her about him again.
Fast forward to a few days ago, when I unexpectedly bumped into my aunt just a few short hours before I was meeting Mr. BFF for our night of watching The Lake House. I was a bit restless because I hadn't seen him in 5 months and I don’t know if the universe really wanted me to get the message right somehow but, as I told her who I was about to see, she said: “I’m so happy for you!”
You should’ve seen the shock on my face.
It was a first. No one has said that about this thing so far, especially not as a first response to me casually mentioning that he was back in my life again.
She continued: “I’m so happy you got to actually, finally live this, because no matter what happens between you two — if it works out or not — now you know what it feels like to truly give it a shot. To give it all and to actually live the things you didn't get to live years ago.”
And. She. Was. So. Fucking. Right.
I try my best not think about the past years, or worry too much about what might happen in the next ones with him. But obviously the thought of losing my best friend again makes an appearance sometimes in my head, and I hate it.
And somehow my aunt’s words freed me from this heavy weight I try not to carry with me anymore. Even if it doesn't work out — which I hope is not the case — the fact that we gave each other a second chance to actually live all of this is magical on its own. The serendipity of two humans finding each other again and having the connection we have even thousand of miles apart, even sleeping in the same bed only a few times after long months of waiting, still mesmerizes me. Even with all that life throws at us, we keep rocking this like the badass team that we are, and that’s something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to take for granted.
Last night we laid in bed to watch yet another movie — something that sounds so simple and normal to most people but that to us is still so new and awesome. I fell asleep about 30 minutes into said movie and only woke up for a few seconds here and there throughout the other hour we had to watch. I hadn’t felt this safe falling asleep with someone else in so many years. And every time I opened my groggy eyes and saw him there, holding me tight while watching this cute Disney animation about a girl who saves dragons, I would smile a bit.
It was a smile of complete relief, of peacefulness. Of finding someone who understands me and knows me. Someone I never have to apologize for being exactly who I am. Someone who makes me like myself more and value the good things I bring to this.
So, without thinking too much of pasts and futures, this is where I stand today: I’m trying to live in a present that feels like a blessing every day. A present of having someone so incredible to do life with, to teach me things I never would’ve learned if it wasn’t for him. I hope to have this for a very long time still. But if it ends someday, I have the peace of mind to finally understand that this, right now, is exactly what I should be living, and that this is (hands down!) the best second chance I was ever able to give something in my life.
